Good things come to an end.
The last five months have been wonderful and I truly do mean that. Joining this roleplay was something I was hesitant about, but I’m glad I did. Building up Julian Goldsworthy became one of my favorite pastimes. Along with Eli, Clare, Tad, Grace, the book store, the Music Shoppe and all the relationships Julian got to create throughout the past five months are things I will never forget. I’ll probably keep this account up just to come back to it and reminisce through its almost 300 pages. But as of late, the dashboard has been slow and with Degrassi’s return, I’ve found myself more interested in other roleplays, pastimes and even have been forced to deal with a few personal issues. It’s also come to my attention that this roleplay has never been very stable either. Most roleplays can’t be stable, when a moderator is more concerned with his or her own story lines rather than the roleplay itself. That has always been a concern in the back of my head as a moderator in a past RP and now that I see more and more hiatuses appear and less activity, I feel more able to finally let go of my character and this unstable roleplay as a whole. I’ll will always remember it and the friends that I made here, but it’s definitely time to say my goodbyes. I’m sure Layne will probably reopen Julian Goldsworthy so she can have Bek’s elder cousin and I hope whoever takes him on does him justice and keeps to his pretentious but witty and sarcastic ways. And I truly hope that if you do love this roleplay, that things work out for you, even if they didn’t for me. Maybe one day, we’ll meet in a new roleplay. The Degrassi roleplay community is small and I’ve run into many past roleplay family members in many places. Who says it won’t happen with all of you?
So with that, I bid you all adieu. I’ll miss you all and I’ll especially miss Julian.
Thank you so much for being such a great roleplay family the last five months.
With love,
Holly
(And if you’d like to keep in touch, just message me for my personal. I’ll probably log back on a few times to say personal goodbyes to the people I roleplayed with consistently and will be happy to share it with anyone who asks)!
<3
One Step Closer || Niq
Niq’s eyes watched the embers glow, flicking them off the cigarette as they came loose. She could see the look on Julian’s face through her hair, but ignored it. She wanted the cigarette with her, wanted to watch the smoke dance around her, wanted to see the embers fall at her feet. There was something so brief about cigarettes, something so damned mortal that she couldn’t get enough of. Something about the instability had always comforted Niq, which wasn’t so odd when she thought about it. “Then what is it? And if I’m human…” Niq trailed off, a cynical laugh making it’s way out of her teeth. “I don’t feel human a lot of the time, I guess,” Niq let out, her voice muffled by her cigarette. “I suppose I’m just really not too fucking sure about who I am without the riddles. Or games.” Niq’s eyes turned to face Julian, only seeing him out of the corner of her eye. She felt comfortable in his company, but didn’t quite want the feeling to last; she wanted to feel like she needed to run.
Niq wondered what Julian thought of her, what he wanted from her. Was he just out to figure her out? Was he just being a friend? Did he even understand why he’d come to see if she was alright? Somewhere inside, Niq was aware she’d wanted Julian to come see Noah, wanted for everything to be out in the open. She’d wanted him here, and he’d followed that invitation. Niq knew she should’ve known Julian better, known exactly why he acted the way he did. But that didn’t matter. All that mattered was that she wanted to keep his company, wanted to keep his snarkiness, wanted Julian to stay and brush the hair out of her eyes, put her to bed, drink cheap wine with her. Despite whatever had happened that Niq was unaware of, maybe influencing him to be this way, didn’t matter, because it’d helped mold him into the person sitting next to her at midnight on a school night. That would be enough for her.
Niq knew Noah wasn’t perfect. He was too loud, too loud. He was immature, lazy, and he wasn’t ever too smart. It was strange to Niq, because Noah and Julian were such ridiculous polar opposites, it was nearly comical. Niq grabbed her cigarette between her index and middle finger, pulling it quickly out of her mouth. There wasn’t much of it left, and Niq pushed it into the ground using her thumb, some embers jumping off and landing on her skin, burning quickly. Niq closed her eyes for a couple moments, and when she opened them, all that was left of the cigarette were some dull embers. Niq let go of it, stretching out her bandaged hands, cracking her brittle knuckles. It felt so morbid, sitting with this boy so casually on her first love’s grave.
Niq laughed when Julian said he could be doing anything other than being with her, because she knew it was true. He could’ve been doing absolutely anything, but here he was, sitting on a grave with a girl he hadn’t known for long at all. It was so ridiculously morbid, really, that Niq knew it’d make anyone else sick, but it only made her feel more secure in the moment, like it wasn’t totally normal, there was something off about it. With Julian’s closing statement, Niq looked up, using a hand to tuck some hair behind her ear, her eyes widening. She nodded slowly, trying to understand. Was she meant to over analyze those words? Because there was a truth in them staring her in the face, and it felt like a challenge, like Julian was almost daring her to try and get away. Niq’s eyes lowered, and her fingers fumbled with grass, staying silent for a moment. And just like that, Niq found herself shuffled over until her side was against Julian’s, and leaned back, letting Julian’s arm hold her up. “Okay. So… What? Are we just weird, morbid friends? Or do we just make out every once in awhile? I just -” Niq faltered, and sat up straighter. “I don’t want to just fuck you, and fuck off.” Niq grew quiet, finding herself able to look at the sky instead of the ground. “I don’t want to just keep playing.”
Julian watched as she blew out a long stream of smoke. The Toronto winds were entirely against him tonight and as she breathed the chemicals out, they blew towards his face. He crinkled his nose again; he didn’t mind smokers and yes, he’d had his fair share of cigarettes. But the cigarette, in his mind, was just so overdone with Niq. He was tired of watching her light one every time she was feeling vulnerable, every time she wanted to occupy her hands with something. Every time she took a drag, she was one step closer to death. And sitting in a cemetery, each time she took a drag, it just taunted him. It was as if every time the embers burned at the end, they were laughing at him. Another girl he cared for, slipping through his fingers in a different way. He rolled his eyes, moving his gaze away from Niq to stop himself from taking her cigarette and flicking it away. “Maybe that’s something you should focus on then. Because if you think your riddles and mysterious edge complete you, then it must not feel so great when that mystery is solved,” Julian claimed, shrugging a bit. He paused and he let his words fall apprehensively. “You’re not a mystery, Niq. You have a past. Everyone has a past. And you know what your next game can be? Figuring out who you are without letting your past shape it.”
Still, he had an idea of how she felt. Their entire relationship, whatever it was, was based around this idea that they both were too ‘fucked up’ to embrace. Their mysteries had people holding them at arms length all the time. And now, with the knowledge of Niq’s past, it was easier to bring her closer, to understand. The crazy antics, the way she distanced herself all had a reason and therefore, could be reacted to in a way that she would welcome. Julian, on the other hand, still had a metaphorical caution tape wrapped around him. His own past did follow him, and though Niq had heard bits and pieces, she didn’t get it all. She knew Grace’s name, she knew what others did. But she didn’t know a lot at the same time. A lot of people, including his closest friends and family, didn’t know. But he liked it better that way. He didn’t want to share. He didn’t want to be ‘figured out.’ What good what it do him or Niq? Knowing his problems wouldn’t help her get along with him any better. It would merely make him vulnerable to her and that was something he wasn’t looking for. He enjoyed her company. He liked reading quotes to her, he liked stealing kisses when he could, he liked having conversations based entirely off sarcasm with her. And his past didn’t need to come in and ruin any of that. So he kept his mouth shut and hoped that Niq realized that just as she wasn’t her past, he wasn’t his and his ‘mysterious edge’ didn’t matter.
Julian was silently thankful that every cigarette had a short life but chose not to watch as Niq finally put out the nicotine laced stick. Instead, he kept his eyes on up above. If a girl on edge of running away was beside him and her first love was underneath him, Julian just wanted to look up. Anywhere but at the two things keeping him in his spot. It wasn’t until he felt her body lean against his arm, the smell of her shampoo and faint perfume reassuring him that it really was her, that Julian looked her way. Her questions were fair and he knew he should have given her an answer right then, but he struggled. He didn’t know. He was the guy who hadn’t had a relationship in two years, hadn’t had sex in a year and a half up until a few months ago, hadn’t even kissed a girl again up until a few months ago. He had a sentimental heart and he was doing everything in his power to keep it as full and untouched as it could possibly be after what he had endured. He ran his tongue over his bottom lip and lightly commented, “Well, I don’t do casual sex, fortunately for you. Not my thing.” But still, he knew that wasn’t the answer she was looking for. It didn’t clear a thing up.
Julian shifted slightly underneath her and drew his arm back as she sat up. It made him uncomfortable to even be having this conversation with Noah lying beneath them, but he wasn’t just going to stand up and walk away from it. Julian was a dick, he was. But that was superficially. Here, in these moments, he was the good guy who wouldn’t just leave. He’d fight and fight and keep pushing on alongside people he cared for, even if it didn’t benefit him in any way. He only hoped Niq would be able to crawl into bed tonight with a little piece of mind. “I don’t know what you’re asking me for. What is it that you want, Niq? You’re the girl that does go out and has the casual sex and flees from commitment. So what is it that you want from me?” He glanced over at her, pausing for a moment, but his own questions were unfair. He didn’t want to shine a light like that on her. Running a hand through his dark hair, he sighed, “Look, I’m the commitment guy. I either want it all or I’d rather just not have it. But right now, I’m the commitment guy who can’t seem to find the balls to commit to anything. I’m a little lost, to say the least.” He shrugged lightly, his gaze holding hers, “Things are complicated. And I don’t know how to sort through them at this very moment with you.”
(Source: juliangoldsworthy)
Re-watched the Lorax and did a double take when I saw Julian- I mean the Once-ler. Pretty fucking amused.
I don’t think he has those pajamas.
..Yet. I’m sure I can convince Clare that her darling child wants them.
Or buy them yourself for the next holiday.
Seriously contemplating it. They’d look absolutely precious on him.
I am not that lanky, nor would I ever wear those pajamas. But thanks for thinking of me.
(Source: thia-ler)
One Step Closer || Niq
Niq noticed the slight flinch of Julian’s face, and almost felt bad for what she’d said, but that feeling was just as soon replaced with pride, knowing she could push Julian entirely away if she tried hard enough. Then Niq wouldn’t have to deal with this guilt anymore, would no longer have the feeling that she enjoyed someone else’s company as much as she’d enjoyed Noah’s. As long as that feeling was gone, Niq figured she would be able to move forward from this lapse of herself. Her behaviour on the Saturday before had been a taste of the old Niq, dancing with a guy she’d never met before until Nate seperated them. Niq found herself almost upset that Julian wasn’t fighting back, wasn’t putting her in the position of spitting out more words. Niq realized it was probably midnight, or past, and Julian had driven out all this way just to see her. She didn’t know why, but the sooner he left her alone, the better.
Niq’s fingers unraveled, her palms beginning to ache from the pressure of her nails. She through her pockets, pulling out a stray cigarette and her lighter. Her thumb shook across the flint, and she had to drag her thumb across the surface of it a few times before it sparked. Niq lit the end of her cigarette, biting down on it hard. She inhaled the smoke sharply before exhaling through her nostrils, her eyes closing slowly. Niq allowed herself a moment, and didn’t respond when Julian asked her if she was done. Niq flinched away from Julian’s words, trying to block them out, even though she was the reason they were talking about this at all. But it was a game, wasn’t it? It’d been referred to as that, and while some stubborn part of Niq wanted to believe they were more than that, the rest of her overpowered that. “I don’t think it’s a game,” Niq said quietly, trying to keep her voice even, but failing. Her voice faltered and cracked over the words, and she realized that even if it was a game, she wasn’t ready for it to be over; but she played the game, and she’d created the end of it. She’d be left to bask in it. “I don’t - didn’t - want it to be a game.”
Niq wanted to run, then, wanted to take her cigarette, and run as fast as her long legs would let. But she stayed, her knees pulled up to her chest, a cigarette resting between her crooked teeth. Niq knew she didn’t want to be figured out; as long as people didn’t really know her, understand her, she could easily keep them at bay, resting easily with the knowledge that they never really knew her. It made it easier for Niq to get by. Niq looked down at the ground, and, while crossing her legs, began to pull out grass in fists, content in destroying something. But now, Julian would know her. Perhaps not completely, but she wouldn’t be any sort of enigma or mystery, just an insane girl with bitter breath, scarred hands and piles of books.
Niq raised her eyes, her head turning slowly toward Julian. Her eyes felt heavy, tired, but she kept them open, watching smoke dance in front of her eyes. From the way Julian said the words, Niq thought he didn’t really want to talk about Noah. She was just grateful that he wasn’t pulling the same “I’m so sorry” bullshit she ran away from. But she knew Julian wouldn’t say that; he wasn’t that sort of person, and instead of making her run away, Julian kept her planted there, trying to think of some way to describe Noah. Because Niq hadn’t ever really understood him, either. How was she supposed to describe someone like Noah?
“He was kind,” Niq said before she could think of anything else. ”He was just… He was always living. Always so, so -” Niq paused for a moment, inhaling her smoke. “So fucking alive. He just didn’t give up, y’know?” Niq smiled sadly, turning her head back to Noah’s grave before turning back to Julian. “He was friends with everyone. He wanted everyone to be happy. Like - when he smiled, everybody smiled. Not just cause he was weird looking. He wasn’t ever mature - I don’t ever think he was meant to grow up. He could be an idiot, but… I think everybody loved him… He loved me. He really fucking loved me,” Niq said, her words growing stronger, her voice no longer faltering. “I guess the things I loved about him are the oppposite of what I love about you, eh?” Niq paused, letting the wind blow hair in front of her face. “Subarachnoid hemorrhage. Bleeding in the brain. That’s what happened to him. If you were wondering.” Niq let her words sit for awhile, breathing in the bitter taste of the ends of her cigarette. “Why’d you come here? You could’ve just fucked off, y’know.”
Julian’s nose slightly crinkled when she lit a cigarette. The wind blew in his direction and the smoke wafted around him as it escaped her, before carrying on with its journey further through the cemetery. He didn’t move, but the momentary displeasing look on his face was sure to get across. He focused on her words, instead. She hadn’t wanted it to be just a game and to him, it never was. It couldn’t have been a game. If Niq had just asked Julian why he seemed so closed off at times, he’d explain it. He didn’t need for her to figure him out like a puzzle. He would have been willing to share pieces of himself in passing conversation and for that, it was never truly a game, just a way to keep her around while he could. “It wasn’t a game. It isn’t a game. You’re not a riddle, you’re a human being. And if you’re not a riddle, then I sure as hell am nothing close to one either.” His adjusted eyes moved over the dark corners of the cemetery before looking back to the blonde hair beside him. He couldn’t see the freckles on her face or her blue eyes beyond those wavy locks, but it was enough, to know she was still seated beside him.
Julian thought even further. When Niq and him had met, he hadn’t thought of her as anything more than a girl he could get to know. He didn’t see her as the mystery she took pride in being and he didn’t see her as the set of legs other Degrassi guys had pinned her down as. If anything, Niq was a writer that he had wanted to see more of for the sake of seeing more of her writing, not what was within her past. And even as it unfolded and came clear that she had her fair share of secrets, Julian still stuck around for the sake of hearing her words. Not even her eloquently written thoughts, just words spoke in passing conversation, her stuttering about a novel, to admire the echo in an empty space as she went on and on too loudly. Her past had nothing to do with it; she wasn’t her past. And as she sat silently beside him, pulling on the barrier between them and Noah, Julian wondered if maybe that’s all Niq saw Julian as. Was he just his past to her? He sure as hell hoped not. If there was one thing he was trying to escape, it was certainly the things that kept him so closed off.
When people spoke of the dead, they often became euphemistic. Flaws were unheard of. So as Niq began describing Noah, he wasn’t so put off by her words. Kind, funny, contagious, Noah Calter stole the hearts within a room. And in a weird way, Julian became oddly jealous, even though he knew that Noah had held flaws himself. He’d always heard of this guy, the guy who managed to be everyone’s friend. Julian was the polar opposite. He entered a room only to make new enemies. If someone were to take a poll, most people would share that Julian Goldsworthy was a sarcastic, cynical, self-righteous asshole who thought nothing better than himself. But the worst part? The worst part was that Julian didn’t doubt Noah’s good reputation that Niq laid out for him for a second. And he wondered how the good guy had been taken so early, when the cynical asshole was sitting six feet above him.
He hid his smile when Niq admitted to Noah being ‘weird-looking.’ It suddenly felt like Noah was no longer a ghost, a past, a memory. He became to real in that moment, with a flaw put to his name. And when Niq let the last words fall from her lips, Julian’s mind analyzed them to death. The things she loved about him were things Julian could never be. He’d never be the happiest guy in the room, aiming to live. He wouldn’t be the one to make a whole room laugh. As a matter of fact, he was the guy who was sure to be the unhappiest boy in the room. His off-handed, sarcastic comments would get snickers of disapproval. And jealous as he had felt, that he couldn’t be a Noah Calter, at the same time, Julian didn’t mind. If Niq said she loved those things about him, then maybe that’s all he needed. Maybe being the foil of Noah Calter was his place.
“You’re right, I could have fucked off,” Julian nodded, leaning back on his hands again. He glanced up at the sky, “I could be lying in my bed right now, falling asleep. Or jacking off. Or doing anything but this.” And it was true. He could have been spending his night in complete bliss. But it wouldn’t have felt right. Julian was meant to be sitting beside Niq right now, he knew he was. The game, her mystery was meant to be solved now. And he was glad he had come. “But I’m here and I’m not going anywhere,” Julian stated as his eyes moved over to her. He hoped she understood the painfully obvious underlying context to his words. She could push and push, attempt to return any memory of him, bite him out, tell him off, but he would still stay right beside her and wait for her to let it all out. She wouldn’t be able to leave without his mark. He wanted to know that in the grand scheme of things, he had at least left his mark, like she had left hers.
(Source: juliangoldsworthy)
One Step Closer || Niq
Niq knew she wasn’t what one would consider ‘stable’. In fact, she was one to almost regularly show off the fact, display that she was something out of the norm. But for the past few days, Niq had been on the edge of a breakdown, her mind constantly unfocused, avoiding sleep as much as she could, and just getting by in class. She found herself just staring off into space most of the time, her mind blank. Niq had skipped her last two appointments with her psychologist, unwilling to talk about any of the things that were upsetting her. She was getting by on just sitting in class, her mind absent. But since the Saturday before, when she’d found her way stumbling drunkenly to Noah’s grave, she’d visited it each night. Niq didn’t do anything whenever she sat there, just stared at the empty, routine words that stared back at her. This is what Noah had come to; a big rock in the middle of hundreds of others. They wouldn’t budge. They’d be there for years. One day, people would stop bringing flowers for his birthday, and Niq wouldn’t bring any more letters for him. Noah was just a headstone, and he had become so strikingly unimportant that it almost made Niq sick to her stomach, because the boy she knew was so much more than grey.
When Niq was home, she spent her time just staring at objects around her room, sometimes stuffing a towel under her door to keep the smoke from her cigarettes inside the room. But Niq’s eyes sometimes wandered to a note she’d put on her bedside table, a messy scrawl that gave her a headache. She wasn’t sure if it was guilt or just coincidence, but she needed to return the books to Julian. Once she did that, she’d be free, she’d rip up the note and he’d be gone, and she could just do anything. The thought came to Niq’s mind when she’d been sitting with Noah for about an hour, trying to ignore the cold creeping it’s way up her body, making the hair on her arms stand on end. Julian refused to let Niq return the books, and she cursed quietly; she should’ve known it wouldn’t be that easy with him.
Julian said he’d come by the Cemetery, and Niq could’ve sworn that she hadn’t ever felt so sick in her life. Heat rose up in the back of her throat, and she struggled to keep her breaths calm, avoiding the reality that Julian was going to find out about Noah. Maybe that would be enough for him to figure Niq out. That scared the blonde, too, because what would she have after that? Niq didn’t know who she was without her mystery, and she wasn’t ready for other people trying to sort it out before she could. Niq didn’t know what she’d say, what Julian would say once he got to the headstone. But maybe this would be how her game would finally end; not on her terms, but abrupt and unexpectedly. Maybe this was just the end of Niq being any sort of enigma to people. Niq shivered at the thought, not quite ready to expose herself to Julian, but unable to prevent it from happening. Niq pulled her legs up to her chest, her chin resting on her knees.At the sound of an engine being shut down, Niq lowered her face, her forehead resting on her kneecaps. She just needed to calm down; it’d be okay. The attempt at self-comfort was wasted, and only fastened the pounding sensation in her temple. She imagined herself imploding, and all of her thoughts just being gone. Scattered around the graveyard, maybe. Niq could hear footsteps on gravel, and she balled her hands into fists, nails digging into the fresh bandages already wrapped around her palms. Niq moved her fingers, trying to let her nails dig in as far as possible. She needed something to keep her grounded, something to keep her from just exploding.
Niq’s shoulders tightened at the sound of Julian being so close, and she shut her eyes for a moment, holding her eyelids down as tight as she could. Niq saw red under her eyelids, but could see the words Julian would be reading. Here lies Noah Calter. September 23rd, 2013 - November 14th, 2028. Loving son, taken too soon. We will miss you always. They were harsh words, and they didn’t do anything but finalize death. Niq had grown to hate them over time, rejecting them.
Niq could hear Julian sitting down beside her, and wasn’t sure if he was looking for words or just staying silent. Niq brought her head up, facing the grass in front of her, and wiped her face with her bandaged palms, her skin stretching tight. “So,” Niq said, her voice low, straining for some sort of confidence. “Secret’s out. No more fun and games for us, then, eh?” The words were bitter on Niq’s tongue, and she spat them out at Julian’s feet, craving some sort of release. “Were your guesses close? Or did I get one last surprise in?” Niq moved her head quickly, turning to face Julian beside her. She hoped her tired, heavy eyes held something of a challenge, because she wanted nothing from herself if not fierceness. Niq knew it wasn’t Julian she wanted to fight with, but she wanted to close out the sadness, the softness. Brute, raw fighting could do that, and though Niq’s hands were torn up, she could use her words, though they tasted foreign on her tongue, like she was trying them out for the first time.
Julian didn’t know what he was expecting from the girl beside him. A soft-spoken story? An explanation for what this name in front of him meant? He knew his guesses were enough, but he craved hearing it from her. But it couldn’t have been that easy. Even given the circumstances, sitting on the damp grass in a cemetery at midnight beside a girl he seemed to barely know, things were never that easy. So why was he so shocked when she bit him out? He didn’t do anything. His eyes lifted to meet hers and he flinched slightly as her harsh words felt like a slap across the face. But he didn’t move. He didn’t stand up and yell at her. He didn’t point out that he had gotten out of his comfortable room, his warm house and driven all the way to this memory-ridden cemetery to make sure she was something close to fine. At least fine. Instead, he just waited for her to calm down a little bit.
“Are you done?” He asked calmly, sitting with his legs crossed now and placing his hands behind him. He didn’t like knowing that just six feet beneath him, someone she seemed so cut up about lied. But he pushed it out of his thoughts and watched her closely. His voice was even, his gaze soft as he continued to watch her wipe her tears, as if she’d finally catch them all. But when her heavy glare faltered just a bit, he felt he was finally able to speak. “You think that’s all this is? A game?” Was it all a game? The more he thought about it, the game they had played out, the small game that hadn’t gone that far was just one part of them. In his mind, it was playful. It was fun. It was a joke. He didn’t seem himself as a problem. He didn’t see Niq as an unsolved problem, either. But maybe things were different in her mind.
But he didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t just a game for him. He didn’t see Niq as a secret, he saw her as a girl he enjoyed. He saw her as good company. And even now that their game was up, he was just happy he understood her a little better. Noah Calter, whoever he was, was a big part of Niq. And with his name and his body lying underneath Julian, the teenage boy was finally able to put the pieces together. Niq had been in love and she had lost. It explained the drinking. It explained the consistent smoking. It explained the distance. It explained the troubled thoughts and the bandages on her hands that he never acknowledged, in hopes she’d forget about them for a brief moment, too. But right now, above Noah Calter, it wasn’t Julian’s place to shed a light to any of that. He sure as hell wouldn’t have wanted a stranger on his grave sharing his thoughts to a girl he loved.
“Tell me about him,” Julian finally broke the silence again. His eyes were still on her, watching her every move. He wanted to reach out, brush the hair away from her, hold her wrapped hands, show her that this wasn’t anything close to the end. She was more than just a solved mystery. But he didn’t dare. He just sat up, dusted the grass from his hands and placed his arms on his legs, waiting for her to give in. He didn’t care to hear about Noah Calter. And even that was selfish. But why would he? He didn’t want to hear all the things that Niq loved about Noah, because those things would be things Julian could never find in himself. He wouldn’t be able to comfort her either. Those things she had loved about him wouldn’t ever come back the way they were in Noah. They would appear in pieces from person to person, but they would never all be in one, like they were with him. Yet, as a boy who had grown up around a man who had loved and lost and a boy who had been forced to let go on love sooner than he wanted to as well, he knew somewhat how Niq felt. And he knew talking of that person filled a big hole, at least temporarily. So he waited. He waited to hear about every great thing and every terrible flaw Noah Calter had held and how Niq had fallen so hard for it all.
(Source: juliangoldsworthy)
Why the fuck am I watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S reruns with my mom?
Of course you did. She’s the best bitch out there. Mom’s forcing me to bed now. I don’t even- whatever. She says goodnight. Is there something going on between you two? Gross.
Your mom’s actually a really beautiful lady and that would be my sick dream come true. But unfortunately, no. Tell her I say goodnight. And sweet dreams to you, Everleigh.
Why the fuck am I watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S reruns with my mom?
Gale Weathers. Fuck yes.
I knew that would win you over.
Why the fuck am I watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S reruns with my mom?
Meant the awkward, S.O.L part. Oops.
Whatever, he got Monica who was played by Courtney Cox. So that’s a win in itself.
Why the fuck am I watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S reruns with my mom?
Happy to oblige. Anytime. I am that amazing, so thank you. HE is. You? HA. Okay. And I’M the one with the warped image of myself.
You just said I’m Chandler, therefore you implied that I’m hilarious. So I guess I don’t have a warped image of myself.
One Step Closer || Niq
Julian hadn’t been expecting anything on his regular, lonesome Wednesday night. A few assignments were calling his name and even though he still had a lot on his shoulders, he had been managing. He went through the days ignoring problems at hand, avoiding conversations that needed to be had, dodging duties that needed to be done. And he was, on the surface, content. If he spent time thinking of every issue in his life and all the tasks he wasn’t confronting, then of course, things got harder. But as of late, he had just been pushing the thoughts away. He occupied himself with useless conversations, petty actions. Nothing in his life really mattered anymore; he was just doing things to get by. Four months and he was gone. That’s the only thing that kept him going.
So it came as a shock when the blonde girl who had been avoiding him in the hallways and had seemed somewhat distant in brief conversations actually texted him. It was nearing midnight and his phone buzzed against his desk. She was still somewhat frigid. The tone in her words, the words she chose told Julian that she was trying to further herself away from him. And for whatever reason, he didn’t take it so harshly. As a matter of fact, he’d been expecting this. Niq, he knew, was nothing short of a riddle and this was a part of her. The pushing away was a part of her. But he’d pull through. He liked her company enough to fight against it. It wasn’t until she completely blew on him that he realized maybe she was closer to the edge than he thought.
Midnight on a school night but his mind was racing. This was a feeling he hadn’t had in a while. But he didn’t question his actions. Once he knew her location, he sighed and pocketed his phone, grabbing his keys and a jacket and moving out of his room, down the stairs and out the door. He’d have hell to pay when he got back. His mother’s worried tone was the last thing on his mind, though. He’d deal with it when he got back though. For now, he just wanted to be sure that Niq was something close to alright.
The cemetery wasn’t far. As a matter of fact, Julian knew this cemetery a little too well. Julia’s plot was here and from time to time, the Goldsworthy’s still visited her grave. Eli’s visits were more frequent, but Julian occasionally did escape to this place. It was silly, but he felt some odd tie to her. Not just through his name, but the way his father spoke of her, like she was still a part of him, therefore still a part of his life, it all just held significance. But now he was venturing to the familiar gates of the dark, cold cemetery for someone else. He didn’t know a thing. He didn’t know if Niq had just been roaming or if this was a piece of her. But something told him the latter was most likely a connection to her borderline meltdown. Whatever he was going to tonight was going to be an answer, either way. And was he ready for an answer? Maybe that was a selfish question. But he couldn’t help but wonder, was he ready to hear Niq’s riddle panned out?
Didn’t matter. He pulled into the parking lot before his mind could make a decision and once he killed the engine and got out of Augustus, he was looking around in every direction for the familiar wild locks of blonde hair. It wasn’t a very big cemetery and as Julian’s high tops stepped on the gravel as he walked through and scanned over the clean cut grass on either sides of him, he couldn’t help but wish it had been anything else. Not the loss of someone, not anything so dark and hard. Just something simple. He wished whatever Niq’s secret was, would have lead him somewhere than this fucking cemetery at midnight. Selfish, selfish, selfish thoughts plagued him as he continued to search.
And then his eye caught it. The messy blonde hair. She wasn’t in one of her big, animal-patterned coats like she usually was, wasn’t wearing anything out of the ordinary like she usually did. As a matter of fact, her white skin was the next thing to verify to the boy that yes, that was who he was looking for. And immediately, without much conscious thought, his feet began guiding him towards her. He was careful not to make too much noise, but by the time he was two plots away, he knew she had heard him. Her body stiffened, but he ignored it. He just looked beyond her, at the name on the grave marker.
Noah.
Julian sat down beside her, bringing his knees up to his chest, and wrapping his arms loosely around them. He wasn’t really sure what to say. He didn’t even know if Niq wanted him them or wanted him to speak either. Maybe he was intruding on some moment. But why would she have taken the time to text him here if she hadn’t been at least thinking of him briefly? He didn’t know. He didn’t know the answers to a lot of things as of late. So he kept quiet and continued to stare at two syllable name on the grave marker. He hadn’t known a Noah. But sitting on his plot gave this eerie feeling to Julian that somehow, this stranger he’d never meet and him were linked in some way.
He patiently waited for Niq to interrupt the wind’s loud whistling and break the silence.
